Dear "you"... Whomever "you" are.

Today, exactly one year ago, I found out that I was pregnant with my precious girl.

Being 7 months fresh into marriage, it was unplanned, but never unwanted. Throughout the "9" months, I had loads of panic-y moments, meltdowns, feelings of being completely inadequate and totally unprepared. I thought we couldn't provide this baby with what she needed and what she deserved, and allowed that fear to run the entire pregnancy.

In case you are in the same boat, I want you to know that it's OKAY to feel those things.

But, when you have those moments of complete joy and overwhelming thankfulness, hold.on.to.that.thing!

Hold on to it. Use it. Remember it.

This letter that I wrote to the little babe who was growing inside of me, was that "thing" that I held onto for the journey. The reminder I needed. And hopefully one day, it would be a gift I can give to Nova, in a moment where she needs it most.

"Hi little bean... person... Whoa. That's weird. Hi my baby... Geesh... That's even weirder.

Okay, let me start again; I don't want this to be your first impression of me.

Dear "you"... Whomever "you" are.

It's the 14th of March 2018 and your dad (WHAT?!) has just left to serve at our church conference. I've been feeling very sick lately and one of your awesome future Aunties advised me to take a little test (I'll explain to you what it is, one day.)

So I took it about 30 minutes ago.

It told me that you exist.

Welcome... I guess?

Little babe, we didn't plan on this... On you... And I'm a bit terrified. But also, little babe, I never knew that you would ever actually be created. I always wished that you would. But you see, as a younger girl, some doctors killed that dream... They called it a fantasy... Said it would be a miracle.

Are you my miracle? I guess so.

I can't begin to explain to you what I am feeling. I'm anxious. I'm scared. We can't afford you. We can't give you what you need and deserve. But wow. I'm thankful for you. I'm in tears at the kindness of Jesus. That He would give you to us. That He would allow you to grow inside of me. He'll provide. Please remind me of that in my moments of doubt. Wait. That's unfair to ask of you. I'm your mommy, I'll remember it for us both... That's what moms do right? Well, that what my mom would do. You're going to have the best granny in the world. But, I'll tell you more about her later.

Is it possible that I suddenly feel your little life, inside my body? That I want to protect you with all of me.

Who are you going to become? Will you have your daddy's eyes? Perhaps my nose... His charm, but my sense of humour for suuure. Ah. You have the best dad ever. Like. He is the greatest man that has ever existed. He is kind and generous. He is fair and level-headed. He is so sweet. The sweetest. I cannot wait for you to know him, and for him to know about you. You'll be obsessed with him... And him with you (even if he is shocked at your news now, he'll love you more than anything, I am so certain of it!)

Well, whomever you are... Whomever you become... I hope that you will be kind and compassionate. I hope that you'd have a little bit of sass and a whole lot of humility.

I hope that you find things in this world that you truly love, and that you'd give those things your all. I hope that you'd know how unstoppable you are. You can reach everything, do anything. I'll be there. Always.

I hope you would always know how loved you are. That you were dreamt up long before today happened. I hope that you would love Jesus. That you would always feel Him to be close-by, that you would know His goodness, His comfort, His friendship, His provision and that His Word would always be a lamp to your feet and a light to your path... That you would love the church... Whichever church that is (we have a very cool one though... You dad is there now.) And that you would find your place within the church and treasure that. Baby, I hope that your faith will be your anchor when this world gets a bit rough. I hope that you would understand grace... For others, yes, but more so for yourself. Jesus is so very gracious, so be gracious on yourself too.

Little babe, I hope that we will be good to and for you. We're going to try our best. Forgive us for not knowing everything. We don't and won't have it all figured out, but, I can promise that you will never be alone. You will never be unloved. You will never be unwanted. You'll always be heard. You'll always be answered. We will value you, your opinion, your stories, fantasies and dreams. You'll always be magic to us, my love.

Okay. I'll probably spend the rest of my day chatting to you. But I just needed to get off of the bathroom floor and write down my feelings. Hopefully one day you'll cherish this.

I already love "you"... Whomever "you" are."

Love you babe,

Your Mama.